A fella once asked me what a hoedown was and I told him that it's like a shindig but more like a hootenanny. I could see he was still confused because his face went all cattywampus.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced. Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
Children laugh 400 times a day. An average adult laughs 15 times a day. Somewhere along the way we have lost 385 laughs a day.
We look forward to the time when the power of love will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. ---William Gladstone
Happiness isn't about getting what you want all the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it.
When I was a boy I used to think that strong meant having big muscles, great physical power, but the longer I live the more I realize that real strength has much more to do with what is not seen. Real strength has to do with helping others. ---Fred Rogers
The real issue in life is not how many blessings we have, but what we do with our blessings. Some people have many blessings and hoard them. Some have few and give everything away. ---Fred Rogers
It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving.
But like morning light it scattered the night
And made the day worth living. ---F. Scott Fitzgerald
Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace.--Unknown
Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak. It's the lion's silence that signals danger, not his roar.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I'm glad I learned about paralelograms in high school math instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during paralelogram season.
You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. -- C. S. Lewis
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.--Thomas A. Edison
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.--Will Rogers
When we're young we sneak out of our house to go to parties. When we're old, we sneak out of parties to go home.
At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part.
Getting off the floor is a whole other story.
I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake...
Ate a box of Thin Mints, didn't get thinner.
I don't think they work.
I want to be like a caterpillar
Eat a lot.
Sleep for awhile.
Wake up beautiful!
Bread is like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Remember when you could refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?
Red Skelton is best known for his national radio and TV acts between 1937 and 1971 and as host of the TV program The Red Skelton Show. He said: "Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations."
Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.
A man would do nothing if he waited until he could do it so well that no one could find fault. --John Henry Newman
"In the physical and economic world, if I give you something, then I no longer have it. Wisdom and love behave altogether differently; if I give you my love or wisdom, both of us can have it and even more remarkable, you may pass it on and not only still retain it but it will grow with each transaction. The more we give away, the more there is and the more we have. --Jean Shinoda Bolen
The world is changed by your example, not by your opinion. Novelist Paul Coelno
Hope is seeing a light at the end of the tunnel; faith is believing it is not a train.
"Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted."
The world is my country, all mankind are my brethren and to do good is my religion. -Thomas Paine
Great minds talk about ideas
Average minds talk about events
Small minds talk about people
So when is this 'old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it. -- William Arthur Ward
Say and do something positive that will help the situation; it doesn't take any brains to complain. --Robert A. Cook
I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often, when I loved, I did not say so. - David Grayson
A pat of the back is only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, but is miles ahead in results. - Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Building up is a lot harder than tearing down.
But when you build up, you have something.
When you tear down, you have nothing.
Worrying is like being in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do but does not get you anywhere.
When I was a child I thought that naptime was punishment. Now it's like a mini-vacation!
Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn't mean you have to attend the performance.
An optomist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out. --George Jean Nathan
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.
--Henry Van Dyke
My father said there were two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better.
"Whether you think you can or think you can't you are right." --Henry Ford
"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito." --Betty Reese
I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it. --Pablo Picasso
Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a row boat and taking the tartar sauce with you.
"There are three signs of old age--loss of memory--I forget the other two." --Red Skelton
With each happy friend we add to our social circle, our own happiness grows by 9% For each unhappy friend our happiness declines by 7%.
I sometimes pretend to myself that I have insomnia when what I really have is a good book and inadequate respect for tomorrow.
The purpose of life is not to be happy.
It is to be useful,
To be honorable,
To be compassionate,
To have it make some difference
That you have lived and lived well.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened--happiness never decreases by being shared. --Buddha
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
And the cardiologist's diet: --if it tastes good spit it out.
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
Our days are happier when we give people a piece of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.
Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone looks?
I've reached the age where "happy hour" is a nap.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the wedding cup
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Don't let negative and toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent and kick them out.
Some people look for a great place. Others make a place great.
The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a person spreads in all directions. --Chanakya
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. - Henny Youngman
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you snore alone.
Advice to husbands on how to keep their wives happy with only 15 little words:
I love you.
You look great.
Let's eat out.
Can I help?
It's my fault.
If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. - Roald Dahl
You only need two tools in life--WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
If we are not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
Back in my day we had nine planets.
Note to self: Just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.
There are two ways of exerting one's strength: One is pushing down, the other is pulling up. (Booker T. Washington)
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Once you lick the frosting off of a cupcake, it becomes a muffin. And muffins are healthy. You're welcome!!
The biggest lie that I tell myself daily... "I don't need to write that down....I'll remember it."
We'll be friends till we're old and senile.....
Then we'll be new friends.
I tried cooking with wine but after four glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
Faster than a charlie horse
More powerful than the urge to pee
Able to park close to tall buildings with a special sticker
Needs Body Work
Many people will walk in and out of your life.
But only true friends will leave footprints on your heart.
DEFINITION OF SUBURBIA: Where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them.
The early bird gets the worm. The second mouse gets the cheese.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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